EPIC MEAL TIME, AS CONCEIVED BY 9-YEAR-OLD KOREAN CHILDREN

Dear Epic Meal Time,

As an elementary school English teacher in South Korea, I am constantly looking for new ideas to get my students excited about school. On the evening of October 6, 2011, I decided, perhaps out of nostalgic Canadian patriotism, that I would show Epic Meal Time to my third- and fourth-grade after-school class; in particular, your Fast-Food Pizza episode, your Fast Food Sushi episode and your Candy Pizza episode.

I feel compelled to tell you, inspirational culinary entrepreneurs, that there are now about seven small Korean girls who think you’re the most disgusting thing on the planet. There is also at least one 9-year-old Korean boy who thinks you’re the greatest men alive. (In particular, the sushi bit did it for them—there is a similar Korean dish, gimbap, and when they saw you rolling up bacon in a bamboo roller, they screamed in horror and amazement.)

I then instructed the children to draw their own epic meals. I encouraged creativity, but as you can see, they stuck to words they know in English, and mostly created “Epic Bibimbap” (bibimbap being rice and vegetables mixed in a bowl). You might think their results are tame, but upon second glance I think you’ll find they’re actually more fucking extreme than any Canadian glutton you’ve come across. Observe:

Bea Soo-jin is a slight fourth-grader, and she immediately looks pretty lame for mostly filling her Epic Bibimbap with healthy shit (cherries, blueberries) and traditional Korean foods (kimchi, namur). But I ask you this, Epic Meal Time: could you be a 9-year-old girl and eat an entire fucking watermelon? That’s right. She didn’t even slice it.

Park Yun-seu here decided to start off her dish with an entire layer of goddamn chocolate, steak and chicken drumsticks. Then she tossed in a few 100% sugar candies—with the plastic wrappers still on­­ them—and layered that shit in slices of pizza and goddamn cheeseburger with not one, but two separate layers of lettuce. The kimchi’s just for a laugh.

My main man Chwe Teh-young decided to make what looks to be a motherfucking giant fried egg (I assume with one yolk in the middle, surrounded by a siege of two dozen egg whites). He starts with some swirly black lines that allegedly represent rice, then adopted Soo-jin’s watermelon idea but pumped it the fuck up. Check it: in Korea, grapes not only have thick seeds inside, but you can’t eat the skin because of how many chemicals are sprayed on that shit out in the fields. But fuck it—Teh-young’s gonna eat two entire bunches of grapes, skin and all. Oh, and those chicken legs? Not de-boned.

Before we talk about Cho Min-ju’s dish here, you gotta understand: this girl is at least 5’7”. She’s a mothafuckin’ tank. So when she came up to me with her dish, and it only had three things—strowberry [sic], chicken and lemon—I was like, What the fuck, Min-ju? You’re better than this! Those foods are practically complementary! Min-ju rolled her eyes at me and came back two minutes later, having beefed up her dish by adding Ruffles and a burger. Smart kid. What I didn’t realize until later, of course, was that, according to her original design, Min-ju had planned on eating three whole goddamn unpeeled lemons. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Min-ju. You get an A.

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